I wish my penis had an off switch
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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