my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
