mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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