mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize