I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
