i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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