My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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