I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
