I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
did i walk over a car last night?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
