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Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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