That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
