we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
