She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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