better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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