Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
