He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
