hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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