you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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