If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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