i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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