he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
