I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
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Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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