I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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