While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
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What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
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Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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