Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
