haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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