3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I want her autograph on my taint
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
