I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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