he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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