I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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