my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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