Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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