We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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