the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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