i think my mom watched the whole time
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
as a side note pls kill me
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
