She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
