making cat noises will not fix the situation.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
