Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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