Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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