Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
