Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
