Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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