you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
farters have to be the big spoon...
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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