dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
