apparently the secret to your success is patron
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
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