I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
