I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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