If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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