My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
