Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
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