you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
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What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
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So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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