After last night, I could never be a politician.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
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I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
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I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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