you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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