Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
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Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
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They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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